How to Disagree Effectively at Work
Disagreements at work can lead to innovative solutions that include diverse perspectives and avoid costly mistakes. But if not managed effectively, disagreements can instead result in misunderstandings, bad feelings, and stress. For example, owing to gender stereotypes, women who challenge others might be viewed as violating social norms and risk experiencing backlash. The resulting balancing act of disagreeing without being judged as aggressive or unlikeable can have a cost for women.
For all genders, there are strategies to increase the effectiveness of disagreeing. Much has been written about the benefits of approaching disagreements with respect and empathy, but “These methods often fail because they rely on unobservable mental states,” Julia A. Minson et al write in the Harvard Business Review. Since people aren’t mind-readers, the researchers say it is more constructive to use language to signal qualities such as an interest in learning why a colleague has a different opinion, or in finding common ground.
By using direct verbal communication, the speaker increases the chances that the receiver will perceive the sender’s intent accurately. But the speaker must take pains to avoid sounding snarky or dismissive—even if that is how they initially feel deep-down. “Expressing vulnerability in disagreement is not fun,” the researchers admit, but “Only by hearing yourself say the right words can you be sure that you really acted on your positive intentions and didn’t simply dodge the challenging moment.”
Julia A. Minson et al have the following suggestions for individuals to engage in more constructive disagreements at work:
Photo by Alfred T. Palmer, 1940 (Library of Congress)
Spell out an explicit desire to understand why your counterpart believes what they do. Not only will you gain a better understanding of an opposing perspective, but your colleague will be more likely to listen to you and find your arguments reasonable.
Show people you have heard them. Don’t fake it--ask for clarification if you need to. You don’t have to agree, but by restating their core argument you will make them feel heard.
Show humility, and acknowledge that the issue is complex. “In a disagreement about a matter of fact…, the average person is wrong at least 50% of the time,” the researchers remind us.
Find common ground, like a shared goal or desired outcome.
“Sharing stories and the feelings they bring up is often a more effective way of building trust than trying to impress our counterparts with command of facts and data,” researchers have found. If a past experience is informing your reason for disagreeing, sharing the story can help improve collaboration.
These strategies can help de-escalate conflicts and make disagreements more productive.
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